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Jonathan Holmes
Jonathan Holmes is an acclaimed psychiatristologist of pedophilia who practises at his Hospital Of Monsters in Boston. He has a habit of being late to the podcast, be it because of traffic, the Think Wrongs, or some other reason, such as murder. He considers watching the Claymation Christmas Celebration (featuring the California Raisins) to be a similar experience to being injected with nightmare fluid. He has also endured The Worst Handjob Ever. Things to do with Jonathan Holmes for fun/profit/anus Things to do with Jonathan Holmes for fun/profit/anus is a frequently recurring "segment" on podtoid. The "segment" often involves Jim and his co-hosts hatching fun ideas for things to do with Jonathan (Jim refers to these ideas as temporary fiction). Often these ideas involve Jonathan partaking in depraved acts for Jim's amusement/arousal, frequently under the pretense of some other ridiculous set of circumstances, for example the time Jim proposed tricking Jonathan into becoming a male prostitute by making him believe he was "Chicken Chungus: Vampire Hunter". Jim justifies these ideas by stating that he wishes to turn Jonathan's life into an "experience". From time to time Jim will try to convince Jonathan to partake in a business venture with him. These are quite possibly the greatest moneymaking ideas of all time, however Jonathan refuses to see this. A prime example of Jonathan's negativity comes when Jim has the splendid idea to turn Jonathan's Boston home into a western-style saloon and brothel. Jonathan, failing to see Jim's brilliance, seems to think that this quite frankly genius idea may "kill them" or "land them in prison". Jonathan rarely sees the practicality of Jim's ideas and instead focuses on fantasticly unlikely outcomes such as death, homelessness, incarceration in a mental institution or going to jail. The ethnicity of Holmes is unknown and often speculated on. Holmes has been know to have odd and some times controversial views on many topics of discussion wether it be video games, how to deal with criminals or his views on all types of apples. Holmes is generally popular within the Destructoid and Podtoid community and fanbase. His only nemesis is Colin Moriarty, who became the Moriarty to Holmes' Holmes upon learning that Jonathan was going to kill him with a knife. Later, it was concluded that their was a possibility that this could have been misinformation passed on by Jim Sterling after becoming inebriated on a single japanese beer. Aliases/Titles for Jonathan Holmes: * Yonatan Harlmes *The Ethnicity *Eskimo Fuck *The Cat Pimp of Baltimore *Jonathan "Luxury" Holmes *Twigguns *New Cocoabama *Chungus, Son of Chungus *Jonathan Bones *The Rosa Parks of Penises *Professor Cockknowledge *Slinkerus Snunks *Boston's Favorite Son *Grandpa Cola *Chicken Dinner *The Real Santa *Milky Muscles *"The only one who talks about videogames" *Chicken Chungus *The Jar Jar Binks of Destructoid *Artimus Hawkins *Vladimir Putin *Coffee *Doctor Genital *Spidered-Man *Dr. Holmes: Medicine Woman *Inventor of Christmas *Father Christmas *Santa Clause *Perfect Pizza *Jonathan Holmes, The Greatest Fucking Mouse Detective *Dr. Freaky Constantina The ideas *Jim and Jonathan go Tokyo Drifting. *Jim and Jonathan move to the forest and become 18th century grave robbers . (Episode 195) *MTV's Exposed Penises with Jonathan Holmes. (Episode 196) *Jim and Jonathan float on a raft to the moon to acquire delicious moon milk. (Episode 197) *Jim, Jonathan and Hamza become cenobites for the summer. (Episode 201) *Jim controls Jonathan's anus via a system of pistons. (Episode 202) *Jim haunts Jonathan's house by kicking him while he's asleep. (Podtoid 202) *Jim redesigns Jonathan's house. (Episode 203) *Jim gets Jonathan to have sex with various sea creatures. (Episode 204) *Jonathan becomes a male prostitue/vampire hunter named Chicken Chungus. (Episode 205) *Jim and Jonathan open a western saloon and brothel made in Jonathan's house. (Episode 206) youtube link *Once a week, a miniatured, naked version of Jim comes out of Jonathan's anus laughing. (Episode 208) *Jim, Jonathan and Conrad run a local cinema. (Episode 209) *Jonathan becomes the spidered-man. (Episode 209) *Jim converts Jonathan's house into a zoo. (Episode 212) *Jonathan gets his own convention JonCon2012, which culminates in him killing a dog. (Episode 214) *Jonathan becomes the leader of the Baby Police to stop all of the crimes in Boston. (Episode 216) *Jonathan dresses in a Thanksgiving turkey costume while children push pickled onions into his anus. (Episode 220) *Jim and Jonathan become barbarians. (Episode 223) *Jim, Jonathan and Conrad become teachers at Dickmouth's School of Definitely Magic. (Episode 226) *Val Kilmer's Thanksgiving Family Showdown. (Episode 228) *Jonathan becomes a detective and pins the black dahlia murders on Steve Buscemi. (Episode 229) *Jonathan becomes Captain Crack Cocaine. (Episode 230) *Jim opens a fart-filter device manufacturer and uses Jonathan as the product tester. (Episode 231) *Jonathan becomes a mall Santa and proceeds to lead a riot through Boston. (Episode 232) Jonathan Holmes' Gamecube Pitches Wishing to divulge his own non-banausic knowledge in the mind of madness, Holmes' decided to contribute to Podtoid with his very own feature: Gamecube Commercials. Talents Amongst his fans and admirers, his crime fighting abilities (as demonstrated with the The Baby Police and against his nemesis, IGN Playstation Editor Colin Moriarty) are second only to his umatched prowess at tumbling. These skills were demonstrated live on television at Val Kilmer's Black Dahlia Reveal Showdown , causing Bill O'Reilly to urinate in his trousers, and extensive analysis and admiration from the BBC. He also enjoys playing Nintendo products, creating animations, and mutilating the genitals of inmates at his Hospital Of Monsters Quotes *"The peehole is not to be touched or tampered with." *"I'm shabby with the butt." *"No..." *"Why would I...?" *"We would either be dead, or arrested at that point." *"Why am I always Chungus?" *"I'm sort of a beige colour..." *"I don't want to pigeonhole you..." *"Mmph... urghh... mmm... urrrrgh". *"I am so confused by any sort of anal plays or moves" *"No! Don't eat my poo!" *"There's so much stuff that people eat that is worse than poo." *"Cumming? I hate that word!" *"I'm not a doctor..." *"I felt very ignorant." *"When are you gonna' give me the crack!" A more comprehensive list of holmes quotes can be found at the twitter account jonholmesquotes Images YougHolmes.jpg IMG 0513.JPG Jonny.jpg Vlcsnap-2012-12-30-01h22m43s14.png Sonic needs help by mrnorth.png Holme's Residents.jpg 460914541.jpg homesy dreams.jpg holmes.jpg|Holmes, as he appears on his commemorative dinner plate. Holmesxsterling.png Links *Jonathan's Twitter Category:Podtoid Hosts